I walked.

I'm tired.  I'm sad. I miss my mom, son and sister.  I confessed to my husband last night that I'm fighting away the blues and depression with a stick right now.

But...I walked. (Thank you Tammy)

Now it is time to search my soul to find out what is out of balance, and start to make adjustments.

Step...step...step...

Today's Blaaaaahg

Today, for the first time since I moved, I do not like Lyndon. 



Lyndon Signs--All rights reserved ©


Not for the first time, I do not like my job. 

It's not really that I don't like Lyndon, or my job.  It's the inevitable feelings of  isolation and loneliness that are catching up to me. 

It has been four months and 20 days since I moved across the country.  It was a very sound financial decision. However, for someone who is rather socially handicapped to begin with, starting over in a new town with few social activities (other than sports) was probably not my wisest move.

The dog loves it.  He apparently was bred to be a Kansan. Did I mention he is a cairn terrier, just like Toto?

I am out of gas mentally.  My urge was to drive myself to the nearest psychologist and ask for drugs, but I know that isn't the answer for what ails me.  But, what is the answer?

I started going to church, though rather sporadically.  The message isn't loud and clear to me right now.  I have been practicing the concept of Fake it till you Make it.  Not the Christian part, just the fitting in part.

I started running, stopped, started, stopped....{SIGH}. My Achilles tendon in my right foot is messed up, and needs the attention of a doctor.

Tried TKD...no women, other than me.  Frankly, I don't like to touch other people in hand-to-hand combat, especially sweaty men. (Gross).

I don't have a car anymore, and no sight of one in the near future.  That's not really helping my situation either.

And can someone tell me...What is up with women and their kids?  Women chose to have no life.  They live their lives through their children, only choosing friends who are convenient to whatever activity their child is currently participating in.  What do you do when your 15 year old decides she wants to take a year off from all activities?  What then? This is my current boat, without any paddles, drifting up deification creek.

I have to get out of this place. (Mentally)  I have to find something to do. (Physically)  I have to build some new relationships. (Spiritually).

Perhaps, I should take the approach of, baby steps rather than..."FULL STEAM AHEAD" or my other favorite "CHARGE".

I need better gas mileage, so it's time for a new plan.  The backbone of the entire plan... Give yourself a break.

1. Keep going to church, even if it's just church, and not Sunday school.
2. Keep trying to find a women only activity.  I will check the library and church calendar.  Suggestions are VERY welcome, especially from those of you that are lurking nearby and feel to shy to make suggestions.
3. For now, walk. Don't run.  Running is not for fat people, regardless of what the misleading title of this blog states. (I will get back to the running later when it doesn't cause me physical distress).
4. Pay attention to your inner artist.  Spend some time each week on doing what you love.

It's only been four months and 20 days.  Sorry for the cliche, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I have trust issues.  I have to take things slow.  So far, almost every person I've chosen to spend time with has been incredibly wonderful to me.  Thank you for that.  Also, thank you to Lyndon for being patient with one of its newest residents. I really do love you, you're so darn cute!

God Bless!

Sometimes "I" get in the way.

I went to Kentucky for 7 days, the first two days I played.  I played with my son, sister, mom, nieces and brother-in-law.  Then I played with two really great friends.

The rest of the week I worked.  I worked really hard.  This pattern continued for several days....and nights.  2:00 am phone calls with Russians and Vietnamese.  6:00am appointments with the computer.  Conference calls. 9:00pm conference calls with the Philippines. It has been really rough.  But that is not the bad news.  The bad news is. I got in the way of myself.  I was so focused on "Work" and things other than self that I tripped myself and caused myself to fall down.

Today, I picked myself back up.  I ramped up my training.  I worked very hard.  I read my daily devotion.

Tonight, I am sitting at the emergency room with my husband.  He is not feeling well, and it was suggested he should go to the doctor, NOW.  So we did.  Now we wait.  In one hour, they will test his protein level again. Then we will find out if we go home tonight, or if I go home tonight.

I am tired.  I am weary.  I need strength. And I need a much better cup of coffee!

Tomorrow.  I will pick myself up again.  I want to be well.  I want to run my RACE.

God Bless!

But, but, but, butt, butt, butt...

Some of you probably aren't Christian, and wonder, "Why all the God/Bible Stuff"? 


It has been a few days since my last blog.  I have been praying about what my purpose is, and what actions of mine are important. 

Here's the deal...

1. God wants me to witness to you.  To share my testimony with you.  To share my life experience and relay to you my journey.  If you close your ears at the mention of the word "testimony" or "witness" makes you think of door-to-door religion, you're not alone.  But, I feel led to let you know, I have experienced some really awesome things.  Some things that were so awesomely horrific I thought I would die, and some miracles so awesome I thought I might have gone to heaven. 
2. I am running a RACE.  It is the most important race of my life.  I am attempting to live within a real, aware, Christina experience.  This means living my life in a way that I am fully aware of my mind, body and spirit.  This means running a marathon, not a hypothetical or parabolic marathon.  A real, blister popping, gut wrenching, 26 mile marathon. (And I'm really fat!)
3. I am excited!  I am full of the an energy that is busting out of me.  I am full of joy.  I want to share my joy with you.  I want to share with you the source of my joy.  I want you to be so filled with joy you are overcome like I am. It is infectious.

This is the hardest task I have ever undertaken.  I am not going to sugar coat this.  I weigh almost 200 lbs.  I have been skinny and fat so many times in my adult life, my gal bladder couldn't take the stress and ran away.  (This is a true story)

The fat is the tip of the iceberg.  I struggle with work, children, step-children, x-wives, x-husbands, marriage, finances, car troubles, my education, loss of loved ones, divorces... and the list goes on.  But you know what?  I'm still filled with joy!  I have faith that no matter what he brings me to, he will bring me through.

BUT...How can I touch women's lives?  How can I lead people to Christ?  How can I minister to those in need?  How can I overcome the feeling of fear I feel at being openly Christian?  How can I, little ole' Tracy Sparks make a difference? Me who is not an expert at anything but making pigs fly.  What do I have to offer?  I'm not rich.  I don't have much time.  My life is like a circus. I feel like "the least of these".  I feel insignificant.  I feel like I'm not big enough for the task. 

Today, I was reminded AGAIN that every place in the bible that God leads his people to minister, and they feel this way, He does BIG things.  He takes away the BUT.  He has lead me to this task, and He will lead me through it.  And I pray He leads you to Him through me.

Being a Christian doesn't mean all your problems are going to magically disappear.  It means knowing that no matter what this world throws in your path, you KNOW that everything is gonna be okay.  Did you see how that sentence ended?  "PERIOD"  There are no ifs, ands or buts.  Everything is gonna be okay.

Thank you to my dear friend who invited me to join her today for church while I was travelling in my old stomping grounds.  Something profound was spoken to me in that place today.  I had a vision of God lifting me up during the hardest parts of my RACE and helping me through.  God is the wind beneath my wings. (or the East Australian Current beneath my fins).

Just keep swimming.
God Bless!

Why is this so freaking hard?

In 1999, I ran my first 5K.  During my training, I thought there was something wrong with my heart and/or lungs, because no matter how steady I kept my pace, no matter how many times a week I trained, it HURT my lungs and chest soooo bad.  The irony...I honestly didn't figure out what was wrong with me until a few days ago.

I found out someone I love very much, and want only good things for, has picked up a nasty habit.  This person has started smoking.  I started thinking about all the health problems smoking causes: tooth decay, wrinkles, shortness of breath.... WAIT a second, HOLD the phone.  In 1998, I stopped smoking--Cold Turkey.  Oh my Gosh, do you think? Could it be?  My lungs had not healed from all the damage I had caused them.

Now, it is 2010. I haven't smoked since 1998.  So why is this so HARD?  It's not my lungs, it's not my chest.  It's my ankles, and my shins.  As long as my pace was steady, I could probably run the whole 5K right now without hurting my lungs at all.  Honestly, I know "why".  If I was a shin supporting almost 200 lbs. of body every other pace, I would cry out in agony too.

So, if you have hints, tips or tricks to stop shin pain, then by all means, pass them on to me.  They hurt so bad tonight during my stretch, they almost felt like I was experiencing charlie horses. 

God Bless!

This is a test...

At least that is what this week has been for me.  I struggled through it, and managed to come out on the other side.  Monday was the first day of phase two of my walk/run program.  Monday, I hurt my ankle really bad while jogging.  I kept going anyway, and now can barely maneuver steps. :( 

Monday of next week, I will begin phase two of my walk/run program again.  This time without the dog to trip me up.

Speaking of the dog, Mr. Silas came out of his surgery only slightly scathed.  Now I don't have to worry about him procreating with the poodle next door or Ms. Bean down the street.

Time management has been a bear for me the last few days.  So many "to do" lists, and not enough time to do them all.  When I become completely overwhelmed, rather than digging my heals in and frantically getting caught up, I become sluggish and unproductive.  This is a terrible character trait of mine that I struggle with daily.  I did keep my priorities straight somewhat though.  I managed to keep up with my commitment to get to know God.  I have read the bible, attended church, prayed and done my bible study faithfully as planned.

On that front.  It seems God is pushing me to evaluate my character and its wonders and defects.  Some days I am called to list my assets and other days I have been called to list my shortcomings.  I have taken some inventory, and found that I'm not too far from the mark, but still need to work on some subtle adjustments.  Primarily keeping it simple, letting go and letting God, thinking, and staying in reality.

During my evaluation of character, I have caught myself daydreaming about the person "God wants me to be".  My daydreams are lofty, and I imagine myself doing incredible service work in South Africa or painting a great structure like the Sistine Chapel.  Reality is, I am already the person God wants me to be.  He just wants me to accept it, and maybe, just maybe, share it with you.  Strange thing to realize that the only change I need is being comfortable in my own skin.  Nothing profound or earth shattering.  Just a four letter word. L-I-V-E.

So many times throughout history, people have argued with God about being his witness. I'm too old. I'm too dirty.  I'm just a lowly child.  I am afraid.  Just because I don't think my witness to his power is powerful enough, doesn't make it so.  God can speak through me just as readily as he can speak through a missionary in the Philippines.  When I seek to know about God's glory, I do not try to find unbelievable tales about miracles of extraordinary size.  No, I want to hear about the alcoholic that stopped drinking.  The compulsive spender who got her credit card in check.  The insecure mom who found happiness in baking.  The 37 year old woman who couldn't pay her bills, couldn't lose weight, and lost the one relationship that made her feel whole....

I want to know that I'm not alone.  When I share with you, I hope that you find comfort in the fact that I struggle with the same things you do.  I don't have it "all" figured out.  We're in this RACE together.

God Bless!

Running makes me sweat!

Today, I was challenged to confess that which impedes my relationships with God as well as my interaction with others.  Then, I am to think about ways I can change or transform this. 

It wasn't difficult to be honest about my impediments, because I have been examining this for some time. My relationship with God is impeded for most of the same reasons as it is with others.  I don't listen.  I am argumentative. I form prejudgements. I fear rejection. I worship being right.

I don't hear what others (including God) are saying to me.  I interrupt like a bad knock-knock joke, "Mooooo".  I form retorts and responses before you've even finished talking.  I assume you are better than me, and therefore I should not give you time to give me a chance.  I like to be right so much, that I look for reasons to prove to you that I'm right, rather than looking for ways to negotiate our relationship in a healthy way.

How is that for some cold hard honesty?  Now what?

The second part of today's challenge:  find ways to change or transform this behavior.

I love lists so...
1.  Actively listen to what other people are saying.  When I catch myself thinking of retorts or responses before you are speaking...stop myself! Ask for you to repeat anything I didn't catch.  Then process the information.
2.  Don't assume other people are better than me.  Give them a chance to get to know me, so I can get to know them.
3.  For practice, find an activity with other women that requires my attendance and contribution at least once a week.

What I learned today is that I try to find reasons not to fit in.  But I know in my heart of hearts that every woman I encounter has something important to share with me, regardless of age, color, socio-economic status, number of children, political status, marital status; physical ability or physical disability or any other personal difference.

Today, I started phase two of my RACE training.  I ran in two minutes bursts with 5 minutes of walking before and after each.  I thought I was going to die.  Then later, while telling my very fit 15 year old daughter about it, I said, "it felt like I ran twice as far". DUH!  I did.  Two weeks of this, and it's on to phase three.

I think I picked my first 5K RACE as the "Future, Former Fat Girl".  I'm going to run at the Turkey Trot in BG over Thanksgiving weekend.

I hope you feel challenged to examine your relationships today.

God Bless!!