But, but, but, butt, butt, butt...

Some of you probably aren't Christian, and wonder, "Why all the God/Bible Stuff"? 


It has been a few days since my last blog.  I have been praying about what my purpose is, and what actions of mine are important. 

Here's the deal...

1. God wants me to witness to you.  To share my testimony with you.  To share my life experience and relay to you my journey.  If you close your ears at the mention of the word "testimony" or "witness" makes you think of door-to-door religion, you're not alone.  But, I feel led to let you know, I have experienced some really awesome things.  Some things that were so awesomely horrific I thought I would die, and some miracles so awesome I thought I might have gone to heaven. 
2. I am running a RACE.  It is the most important race of my life.  I am attempting to live within a real, aware, Christina experience.  This means living my life in a way that I am fully aware of my mind, body and spirit.  This means running a marathon, not a hypothetical or parabolic marathon.  A real, blister popping, gut wrenching, 26 mile marathon. (And I'm really fat!)
3. I am excited!  I am full of the an energy that is busting out of me.  I am full of joy.  I want to share my joy with you.  I want to share with you the source of my joy.  I want you to be so filled with joy you are overcome like I am. It is infectious.

This is the hardest task I have ever undertaken.  I am not going to sugar coat this.  I weigh almost 200 lbs.  I have been skinny and fat so many times in my adult life, my gal bladder couldn't take the stress and ran away.  (This is a true story)

The fat is the tip of the iceberg.  I struggle with work, children, step-children, x-wives, x-husbands, marriage, finances, car troubles, my education, loss of loved ones, divorces... and the list goes on.  But you know what?  I'm still filled with joy!  I have faith that no matter what he brings me to, he will bring me through.

BUT...How can I touch women's lives?  How can I lead people to Christ?  How can I minister to those in need?  How can I overcome the feeling of fear I feel at being openly Christian?  How can I, little ole' Tracy Sparks make a difference? Me who is not an expert at anything but making pigs fly.  What do I have to offer?  I'm not rich.  I don't have much time.  My life is like a circus. I feel like "the least of these".  I feel insignificant.  I feel like I'm not big enough for the task. 

Today, I was reminded AGAIN that every place in the bible that God leads his people to minister, and they feel this way, He does BIG things.  He takes away the BUT.  He has lead me to this task, and He will lead me through it.  And I pray He leads you to Him through me.

Being a Christian doesn't mean all your problems are going to magically disappear.  It means knowing that no matter what this world throws in your path, you KNOW that everything is gonna be okay.  Did you see how that sentence ended?  "PERIOD"  There are no ifs, ands or buts.  Everything is gonna be okay.

Thank you to my dear friend who invited me to join her today for church while I was travelling in my old stomping grounds.  Something profound was spoken to me in that place today.  I had a vision of God lifting me up during the hardest parts of my RACE and helping me through.  God is the wind beneath my wings. (or the East Australian Current beneath my fins).

Just keep swimming.
God Bless!

Why is this so freaking hard?

In 1999, I ran my first 5K.  During my training, I thought there was something wrong with my heart and/or lungs, because no matter how steady I kept my pace, no matter how many times a week I trained, it HURT my lungs and chest soooo bad.  The irony...I honestly didn't figure out what was wrong with me until a few days ago.

I found out someone I love very much, and want only good things for, has picked up a nasty habit.  This person has started smoking.  I started thinking about all the health problems smoking causes: tooth decay, wrinkles, shortness of breath.... WAIT a second, HOLD the phone.  In 1998, I stopped smoking--Cold Turkey.  Oh my Gosh, do you think? Could it be?  My lungs had not healed from all the damage I had caused them.

Now, it is 2010. I haven't smoked since 1998.  So why is this so HARD?  It's not my lungs, it's not my chest.  It's my ankles, and my shins.  As long as my pace was steady, I could probably run the whole 5K right now without hurting my lungs at all.  Honestly, I know "why".  If I was a shin supporting almost 200 lbs. of body every other pace, I would cry out in agony too.

So, if you have hints, tips or tricks to stop shin pain, then by all means, pass them on to me.  They hurt so bad tonight during my stretch, they almost felt like I was experiencing charlie horses. 

God Bless!

This is a test...

At least that is what this week has been for me.  I struggled through it, and managed to come out on the other side.  Monday was the first day of phase two of my walk/run program.  Monday, I hurt my ankle really bad while jogging.  I kept going anyway, and now can barely maneuver steps. :( 

Monday of next week, I will begin phase two of my walk/run program again.  This time without the dog to trip me up.

Speaking of the dog, Mr. Silas came out of his surgery only slightly scathed.  Now I don't have to worry about him procreating with the poodle next door or Ms. Bean down the street.

Time management has been a bear for me the last few days.  So many "to do" lists, and not enough time to do them all.  When I become completely overwhelmed, rather than digging my heals in and frantically getting caught up, I become sluggish and unproductive.  This is a terrible character trait of mine that I struggle with daily.  I did keep my priorities straight somewhat though.  I managed to keep up with my commitment to get to know God.  I have read the bible, attended church, prayed and done my bible study faithfully as planned.

On that front.  It seems God is pushing me to evaluate my character and its wonders and defects.  Some days I am called to list my assets and other days I have been called to list my shortcomings.  I have taken some inventory, and found that I'm not too far from the mark, but still need to work on some subtle adjustments.  Primarily keeping it simple, letting go and letting God, thinking, and staying in reality.

During my evaluation of character, I have caught myself daydreaming about the person "God wants me to be".  My daydreams are lofty, and I imagine myself doing incredible service work in South Africa or painting a great structure like the Sistine Chapel.  Reality is, I am already the person God wants me to be.  He just wants me to accept it, and maybe, just maybe, share it with you.  Strange thing to realize that the only change I need is being comfortable in my own skin.  Nothing profound or earth shattering.  Just a four letter word. L-I-V-E.

So many times throughout history, people have argued with God about being his witness. I'm too old. I'm too dirty.  I'm just a lowly child.  I am afraid.  Just because I don't think my witness to his power is powerful enough, doesn't make it so.  God can speak through me just as readily as he can speak through a missionary in the Philippines.  When I seek to know about God's glory, I do not try to find unbelievable tales about miracles of extraordinary size.  No, I want to hear about the alcoholic that stopped drinking.  The compulsive spender who got her credit card in check.  The insecure mom who found happiness in baking.  The 37 year old woman who couldn't pay her bills, couldn't lose weight, and lost the one relationship that made her feel whole....

I want to know that I'm not alone.  When I share with you, I hope that you find comfort in the fact that I struggle with the same things you do.  I don't have it "all" figured out.  We're in this RACE together.

God Bless!

Running makes me sweat!

Today, I was challenged to confess that which impedes my relationships with God as well as my interaction with others.  Then, I am to think about ways I can change or transform this. 

It wasn't difficult to be honest about my impediments, because I have been examining this for some time. My relationship with God is impeded for most of the same reasons as it is with others.  I don't listen.  I am argumentative. I form prejudgements. I fear rejection. I worship being right.

I don't hear what others (including God) are saying to me.  I interrupt like a bad knock-knock joke, "Mooooo".  I form retorts and responses before you've even finished talking.  I assume you are better than me, and therefore I should not give you time to give me a chance.  I like to be right so much, that I look for reasons to prove to you that I'm right, rather than looking for ways to negotiate our relationship in a healthy way.

How is that for some cold hard honesty?  Now what?

The second part of today's challenge:  find ways to change or transform this behavior.

I love lists so...
1.  Actively listen to what other people are saying.  When I catch myself thinking of retorts or responses before you are speaking...stop myself! Ask for you to repeat anything I didn't catch.  Then process the information.
2.  Don't assume other people are better than me.  Give them a chance to get to know me, so I can get to know them.
3.  For practice, find an activity with other women that requires my attendance and contribution at least once a week.

What I learned today is that I try to find reasons not to fit in.  But I know in my heart of hearts that every woman I encounter has something important to share with me, regardless of age, color, socio-economic status, number of children, political status, marital status; physical ability or physical disability or any other personal difference.

Today, I started phase two of my RACE training.  I ran in two minutes bursts with 5 minutes of walking before and after each.  I thought I was going to die.  Then later, while telling my very fit 15 year old daughter about it, I said, "it felt like I ran twice as far". DUH!  I did.  Two weeks of this, and it's on to phase three.

I think I picked my first 5K RACE as the "Future, Former Fat Girl".  I'm going to run at the Turkey Trot in BG over Thanksgiving weekend.

I hope you feel challenged to examine your relationships today.

God Bless!!

A time for...

Today I found out that my much beloved great aunt was placed in assisted living.  I found great comfort in rereading Ecclesiastes 3 (copied below).

I wrote my aunt a letter (she loves to get letters in the mail), and let her know I am thinking about her. But I also want to share with you what a wonderful Great Aunt my Aunt Neat is. She is one of my hero's. When I think of the RACE, I think of her. Living in the moment, fully aware of her mind, her body and her spirit.  She has stumbled and fallen over the years, but always she keeps on trucking. I love you Aunt Neat!



A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,  and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
     a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
     a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Ecclesiastes (3:1-14)-NIV



God Bless!

How hot is it? W-O-W, hot hot hot.

Watch out world, tonight is nothing but nostalgic ramblings of a girl born in the 70's...

During my childhood, there was a Little Caesar's Pizza commercial that had a guy in a Fireproof suit and a guy with a flame thrower. (This was one of my mother's and my favorite commercials) The guy holding the flame thrower said, "How hot is it?" and proceeded to torch the guy in the Fireproof suit.  At which time the really HOT guy would proclaim, "WOW, Hot Hot Hot.".  Forgive me if I have gotten this somewhat out of order it was in the late 80's and YouTube has not yet discovered this brilliant commercial.

The point is, I'm the guy in the flameproof suit tonight, as is my poor doggy, Silas.  It is 8:30 and 85 degrees in my home.  It is 8:30 and 87 degrees outside.  It is 115% humidity in Kansas tonight with thunderstorms to the North, and electricity in the air.

I feel soggy, sticky and HOT.  There are bugs everywhere tonight, the kind that fly in your mouth and stick to your skin.  It's nasty tonight.

But, much like the silver lining of the cloud above, I have a silver lining to share with you.  I only have to run one more night this week.  Then, I switch to Phase Two of my RACE training.

Furthermore, I managed to find four very vital books that had escaped my possession during the move. One of which was the bible my mom gave me for my 17th birthday.

I weighed in at 189.5 this morning.  This is down from the 196.5 I weighed while living with my husband's family a month ago.

One other victory for me today.  I drank a soda.  I'm sure many of you do this daily, but I do not.  When I was a child, we never had soda in the house.  I actually remember my first drink of the fizzy stuff at about age 8.  I was visiting my grandma in Iowa, and the neighbor offered it to me. It hurt my nose sooooo bad, I cried. 

I got over the initial shock that Pop can deliver, and over the years, I have tried many varieties, and my favorite has waxed and wained like the moon's phases.  Now it's more like my love of wine, infrequently indulged in, and has to match the meal. IE. pizza and root beer. Tonight, I walked to our local pizza joint, Buzzards, and orders a small half diet/half regular Dr. Pepper.  It was YUMMY.

How could I?  First of all it was mostly diet, the chick at Buzzards didn't get the half/half thing.  Second, my goal to running my RACE is to be fully aware of my mind, my body and my spirit.  My body wanted to taste some soda. Besides, it was fun to purposely walk a few blocks just for a soda. (This was not part of my training run/walk tonight either)

Did you have fun today?  Drop me a line and tell me about it.  Who knows,  I might try your idea too.

God bless!

VICTORY is mine.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

Apparently God wants me to know He is with me.  This is the second day in a row that I have been reminded of this fact in my daily devotions.  Noteworthy is the fact that I studied one devotion in the Upper Room and the other on Proverbs 31 Ministry.

How reassuring is that?  God is with me!  No matter where I am, no matter what the problem, or the joy. Nothing is too big or too small for God.  He wants me to be a member of His family.  Conversely, that means He wants to be a member of mine.

He is cheering for me; even when I'm not.  That knowledge is what gave me the strength to finish my chores, and get my butt out to run tonight.  I almost quit.  Almost left the last few dishes for tomorrow.  Almost put off my training until tomorrow.  Almost decided not to clear the clutter off my desk tonight.  Almost decided not to tell you about my defeat  VICTORY!!!

Now the dishes are done. The run is over.  My clutter is cleared, and I have found victory in the little things.  I made a conscience decision to LIVE.  It took God to remind me that I only have to do it one day at a time, and with Him anything is possible!

I hope you had a small victory today in your RACE.  If so, drop me a line, and tell me about it.  I don't care how insignificant the victory, I want to know about it.

Thank you for checking up on my RACE to live my life in the moment, aware of my body, my mind and my spirit.  I hope you become inspired to run the RACE too!

God Bless!

Tear it down, Build it Up

See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant.--ESV.bible Jeremiah 1.9-10

Initially, this verse was completely baffling to me.  Now only the last part is somewhat troubling me.

On Memorial Day weekend of 2010, I lived the first part of this verse.  I plucked up and broke down, destroyed and overthrew.  I pulled up my roots of 31 years and moved 550 miles, on faith, to the great plains.  I had to pull apart my home piece by piece making decisions about what to keep and what to discard.  What to give to charity, and what to cherish.  How to handle separation from my family and friends became an issue.  Leaving my 17 year old son behind to complete his senior year of high school was decided.  Insisting my 15 year old daughter come with me was determined.

This literal tearing down of my life was necessary.  It was time for me to build and plant a new life with my new husband.

This is a concrete example of this verse.  It is a tangible application of the verse to my life.  We prayed about the wisdom of this move from September 2009 until we finally rented the truck in May of 2010.  We still pray daily about the decision we have made.  We have a new home in Kansas, and our family is settling into our new lives.  We have been building up our new life both literally and figuratively.  Things are looking very positive on most fronts.

But what about the intangible applications of this verse?  My spiritual, physical and mental temple is in shambles, and needs to be cleared away before the new temple can be built up, and new seeds planted.

What tasks do I need to perform to fulfill the plucking/pulling up and breaking down, destroying and overthrowing part of this verse?

Today, for me, the focus needs to be on negative self-talk.  This is the most obvious of the blights to my temple.  Beyond this, I am not sure.  Tomorrow I will look at my self-talk and if necessary dig away the debris again.  I will keep repeating this until I hear the words, "you are a child of God", before I hear, "you aren't good enough".

What parts of your mental, physical and spiritual temple are in shambles?  What is the first step to clear away the debris so you can rebuild and replant seeds of faith and joy?

Positive Affirmation:
I am a child of God.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1.5
 
The RACE is about living my life in the moment, aware of my body, my mind and my spirit. (Even when it isn't comfortable).
 
God Bless!

Look at your nasty self.

Today's focus:
Be self aware, even if you don't like what you see.

Today's Positive affirmation:
I am a beautiful woman.

Yesterday I felt unsure, uncomfortable and out of my element.  This comes from the fact that I have a really hard time with certain memory functions.  I don't learn choreographed movement easily.  This is a necessary element of TKD.  Line dances for me are Hell!  I don't learn lyrics to songs easily, it takes many more runs through for me than any patient choir director would ever be willing to accommodate.  Your name, unless tattooed to your forehead, will likely be gone quicker than I can turn around.  That request Mr. Seup made to me via email 10 minutes ago is now soup in my belly. I need milk, eggs, butter and bread...better make a list. You get the picture.

But I digress... yesterday was my second day of TKD. I forgot my belt.  My hair was a ratty mess.  I wore sandals with socks, then got poured on by a lovely Kansas thunderstorm. My socks got wet, so I had to go barefoot.  My big toe has a BIG blister on it.  I missed the adult class due to my inability to shop quickly, and had to attend "family" class. If you don't know this about me, little children in large numbers annoy me.

Then to top all this off, my husband, who did not participate in TKD class last night, whipped out the camera during my class.  Normally, I don't mind cameras. However, after the above mentioned stresses to my afternoon, I was less than pleased. I didn't realize how $%&*% I was with this act until after we were on our thirty minute drive back home, and I started to peruse the camera. 

Did I mention to you that I am a fat girl?  I'm not putting myself down, I am just being honest. Nothing like having someone take a full profile view picture of you looking bored, hands on hips, slouchy shouldered in an unflattering TKD uniform, in a sports bra, ratty hair and no belt.  Oh I know, you want me to show you the picture of my nasty self so you can see what I'm talking about. You got it.

I bet after reading all this, with the tone missing and my use of $%&*% above, you are thinking I'm a grouchy person who is very unhappy.  Quite the contrary.  I'm laughing loudly at my misfortunes of yesterday, and hoping you can find it in yourself to laugh at your misfortunes of today.

The word $%&*% is actually not a bad word. I just can't find one word to describe my amazed and confused thoughts while pondering this picture of myself.

Let me try sentences instead:
"Am I really THAT fat?"
"Where did my chin go?"

After I got over the shock of reality, I reminded myself of something VERY important.  I signed up for the RACE.  I am living my life in the moment, aware of my body, my mind and my spirit. This is the body I brought to the RACE, and if I don't like it I better not quit!

If I can share my nasty uncomfortable self with you, surely you can share YOUR nasty self with YOU. Go do it, then tell me, where you in the RACE today? If not what's stopping you?

By the way, my husband and I have logged 5.9 miles this week.  We took a liesurely walk tonight, and will round out the week tomorrow morning with a 2.1 mile walk/run.  Also, I attended TKD twice.

My baseline weight is: 193 lbs.  My goal first goal (10%) is 174 lbs.
God Bless!

Gossip and Its Repercussions

First of all, let me say, if you think you can control the actions of others through words or actions, then you probably won't like what I have to say today. Iif you believe another person's journey is none of your business, then keep reading.

Gossip is defined as: idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.  How does gossip and it's repercussions have anything to do with the RACE?  When my focus is on another person, it is lost.  The RACE is about living my life in the moment, aware of my body, my mind and my spirit. No where in this statement does it mention you, or any other person.

Ideally, I would take everything to God.  I've been told, he doesn't mind listening to me.  If I can't take something to God, I probably shouldn't take it to anyone else either. 

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62.8 (NASB)

Today's Focus:
1. Have I tried to blame someone else for actions of mine that hurt our relationship?
2. Is it possible that I've depended on this person more than God?
3. How does God want to use this disappointment in my life?
4. What behavior do I need to correct when I place my power in the hands of people instead of God?

Recently I got myself into trouble with Gossip.  I didn't even realize it had happened until today's devotion.

I gossiped about someone's actions.  I do not like this person, and do not hide this fact from you now.  My motives were not good.  I called my actions venting.  I did this "venting" to the ears of person who is close to me.  She also happends to be close to the person I was "venting" about.  Of course trust in my friend was broken.  Who can hold back a juicy bit of gossip? 

For months now, I have whined about not being able to trust this friend. How could she go behind my back like this. Does this situation make you want to laugh loudly at me?  It's okay, I laughed at me too. 

The key question that made me realize my fault was, "Is it possible that I've depended on this person more than God?"  My instinct was to claim I had not done this. But as I realized I had taken something bigger than I could handle to another human rather than God, I had done this very thing.

God has shown me, how destructive Gossip is.  That you trully reap what you sow. (Sorry that sounds really cliche, get used to it).

I think I have an action plan in place to repair the damage I have done to my friend's and my relationship.  It will start with an apology and end with a request that we not discuss this mutal acquaintance in the future.

Positive Affirmation:
You are a healthy adult who makes mature decisions.

Side Note:
When "PEOPLE" let me down, I probably placed my trust in the wrong hands to begin with.  Additionally, I probably attached some expectations to that trust.  Expectations that were no more than premeditated resentments.
God Bless!

My dreams...God sized and God inspired

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13.12 NIV

I have dreams, but I often push them aside.  I think negative thoughts in their place. A good example of this behavior follows:
     Dream: When I grow up I want to be an artist. 
     Thoughts:  Artists don't make any money.  I'm really not that good.  Other people are better than me. I don't have time. I don't have money for supplies.  I don't have space for this in my home. 

This process of devaluing myself or my dreams is an unhealthy coping mechanism. If I can come up with enough reasons why I can't do something, then when I don't follow through it's easier, right?

WRONG!  

Yes, we do have to be realistic and live within the confines of the world. However, does God want me to give up dreams that He planted in my heart?  Does He want me to ignore talents that He gave me?

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." Psalm 62.5

The hopes and dreams I had as a little girl are similar to what I long for now.  Some of my childhood dreams have come true.  I am married to a wonderful man and have beautiful children.  I have a home that looks and feels inviting.  I am a successful business woman.  Am I suffering from You-can-have-it-all syndrome?  Perhaps, but I know that nothing I dream is too big for God. 

Does that mean I will get to travel across the U.S.A. in a year long journey with my husband? Maybe not, but why should I trample this dream, just because it is unrealistic now?  Perhaps there is Something bigger than me that placed this dream in my heart.

"So what of winning the lottery, fast cars, mansions and money", you say?  I say, "I think not."  The bible tells us in many ways about hard work and the fruits of our labor.  For me, dreaming about frivolous things doesn't fit in to "God inspired".

Where am I now? Right now my dreams are focused on getting centered and helping others find their center.  There is strength in numbers.  I want to support you on your down day. I want you to support me on mine.  I want to run the RACE!  I want you to run with me.

Remember it doesn't matter if we cross the finish line together.  The prize isn't in the finish line, it's the RACE itself.

R-eal
A-ware
C-hristian
E-xperience


UPDATE:  8:29 pm
I prayed last night for God to help me find the energy to get everything done today that needed to be done.  I still have some things to do, but feel like the priorities were taken care of.

My husband and I walk/ran our route with our little buddy, Silas.  Silas, our cairn terrier, is now asleep for the night.  We cooked dinner together, had company and cleaned up the left-overs.

As you can see in my post above, I found the time for my daily devotion.  Now I need to read the Bible for awhile and pray.  Then it's beddie-bye time for me.

I hope/pray/dream your day was productive too.  If you feel it wasn't all it could be, examine what was right, what went wrong, and remember that tomorrow morning, God willing, you get another chance.
God Bless!